So people asked Team Recovery if we could write about accepting your body once you are at your recovered weight. As I have been at my target weight for seven years and like my body, I thought I'd give it a go to explain my journey.
I'll admit I did not love my healthy weight overnight. I remember the agony of going up a dress size and feeling like the world had ended. Going up a dress size to me meant giving up anorexia that little bit more.
In my first stages of recovery, when I was deep within the thralls of anorexia, I would cry if I gained 1kg. It was such a hard thing to explain to people - why such 'little' amount of weight gain had a devastating affect on me. Yet when I reached my 'turning point' and fully dedicated myself to recovery, I started to see this weight gain as a valuable step towards having my life back. Yes, I still often felt 'fat' and at times I felt so huge I didn't want to see anyone.
I guess what helped me was that I had started to see myself in the mirror for what I actually looked like. What was reflected in the mirror was not the grotesque, fat, gluttonous girl I expected. Instead I was faced with an emaciated, skeletal young child. I didn't want to look this way anymore. I wanted dresses to look good on me.
Most of all, weight gain equalled independance. It meant I could go to university; keep my job; go on holidays and nights out; be treated as an adult and make my own decisions.
It is hard to explain how I have managed to accept my body how it is. I suppose as I recovered and the more determined I was to beat anorexia, I realised that I was never going to be fat. I am at my natural body weight and what I like best is that I have curves now. I like the way my waist curves and that I have hips; I dress for my body shape; I love showing off my long legs; I love having breasts especially as they keep on growing :D
Although I don't believe compliments 100% yet, the fact that so many people comment on my 'great figure', I started to see it too.
I can look at the picture on this post and love what I see. I look healthy and happy :)
I like my body... in fact I even love it!
Beautiful story, thanks for sharing. You are gorgeous and you are absolutely right about looking healthy and happy. :-) Thanks for the inspiration.
ReplyDeleteThis is wonderful to read. I admit I am not there yet (working on it!). I think the shift in thinking you describe - from seeing weight gain as a negative, to seeing it as at least necessary, if not positive is a really big thing in recovery. Being any less than a healthy weight (whatever that is for each of us as individuals) is simply allowing anorexia to still have a hold on our lives. You DO have a great figure. But even more attractive that that, is how you're embracing who you are, naturally, and being proud of that. That is so inspiring and I hope you continue to do that and keep growing stronger :)
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